I found that lately I’ve been shutting myself in my room all throughout the weekends lately. I’d only go out to go to the bathroom or to get something to eat, but neither am I working on anything I ought to be doing.
…Well, not until the last minute anyway.
Sure, I get my work done just the day before having to get back to school at the beginning of the week, but most of the time, I’m just sitting in my room, mindlessly surfing the internet.
I find myself wanting to do so many things, but suddenly getting sidetracked and distracted, or lacking the motivation to do something I really want to do, like draw for leisure. Although that latter might just be because I’ve been getting quite burned out from having to do so much more work as compared to my previous two years of college/University, so maybe I’m just tired. Then again, that’s not really the point of why I started this entry.
Sometimes when I close myself off from the rest of the household and go on full hikikomori mode
…I sort of forget who I am.
I only half mean that in a metaphorical way, too.
I mean, I’m actually generally an introvert, but I like having other people around for the most part, as long as they’re people I actually get along with. It kind of helps distract me from internalizing too many things, and it keeps my mind on their stories rather than wonder about mine.
I know I was talking about having distractions on my computer earlier, but sometimes when that goes on for too long, it kind of gets dulled and it’s not quite as distracting anymore?
Yeah, after everything that was a previously engaging activity dies down to a lazy drone, I just kind of… start retreating further into my mind, then all of a sudden the thought just pops up.
Who am I?
I’m not even trying to sound philosophical or someshit here; I just don’t quite know for real.
I think I wrote a previous entry before about having different facades depending on what social circle you’re interacting with, and it’s kind of related to that.
It’s like all of the personalities get mixed up, and at some point, I just kind of sit back and reflect on them all and wonder, which one of those is the real me?
Which one of those is the one that I’ll continue to develop as I get older and pretty much get my own life?
I find that, maybe, I don’t really have a sense of identity.
No matter how many people tell me that I’m the type of person who likes to stick out of a crowd or whatever with my personality. There’s a difference between asking people who they think you are, and asking yourself who you think you are. They can give you countless answers, but what will you do when you can’t give yourself an answer?
Sometimes when I start thinking like this, I get the urge to just sit outside on the balcony with my iPod on, then the vaguest urge to try smoking drifts briefly into my mind.
Okay, yeah, I don’t want to smoke because that’s gross and all, but I dunno. I’ve read often enough about people who think too much who smoke to get their minds off of things.
…But yeah, if I do start smoking, I’ll blurt it out right away or whatever so you (my irl friends), can give me an intervention ASAP, deal? Deal.
If it’s not smoking though, sometimes I get the tiniest temptation to open my still sealed bottle of currant flavored vodka and maybe drink a little, but then that thought also gets shoved out of the way with my rational side, saying fuck you, don’t resort to those things just for this, jesus fuck what are you even thinking???
Well at least I have an iron grip on my rationality on that aspect.
Still, this thought plagues me every now and then. It’s been a while since the last time I felt like I didn’t know who I was. Having the thought come back isn’t particularly pleasant.
…but then it just happens, you know?
When school swings by, I could be quiet in the morning, just contemplating all of these thoughts that were left over by the weekend, but then the social facade comes in on autopilot, and I start chattering away again like nothing happened.
Then the weekend comes, and cycle continues.
—
I think I’ll go for a walk tomorrow if the weather isn’t too bad.
Hmm, when I get into that sort of mood (it happened a lot when I was working, or waiting for my roommates to get out of the bathroom), my thoughts went in the direction of “What am I doing with my life? Is this what I really want to do?” and I stress myself out thinking that maybe I’m not suited to be in advertising after all. I always end up shoving the thoughts away though.
On smoking, and related acts – I’ll definitely be your intervention, no matter how far away I am from you ❤
(a shot or two of vodka is, in my opinion, perfectly acceptable; just don't finish the whole bottle in one go!)
Yes, a walk is a good idea.
Yeah, p much had/having an existential crisis and stuff oh god why this
I wonder if interventions for existential crises could work somehow
Yeah, part of the reason why I’m gonna go out for a walk is to try some more stuff with my film camera, since I bought a new roll of film just for experimenting. :B
I hope they do, cause I think I’ll need one too.
Post pictures of your prints! I’d like to see. I didn’t have time to learn how to print by myself, so all I do is scan my negatives.